Sex, Liquor, and Pink Shiny Things
by LovableWerewolf
Summary: Snape catches Sirius and Remus in a compromising position. This cannot be allowed to get around the school. James sets out to make sure Snape doesn't speak, and in the process, finds himself in a position he never thought he'd be in. Mainly Snape/James.


James Potter was pissed. And just a little drunk.

This was not a good thing; or at least, not a good thing for the object of his anger: Severus Snape.

In fact, the bastard was lucky that it was only James coming after him. It could've been James _and _an even more drunk and pissed off Sirius. Or worse yet….Lily.

Just a few hours ago, Remus and Sirius were having a grand old time in the stairwell behind the tapestry on the fourth floor. Not many people knew about those two, because they didn't want to have to deal with the drama that would ensue. James knew, of course, and so did Lily, and Peter, and just a few more Gryffindors they were close with.

Lily had been guarding the top of the stairwell, and James played lookout at the bottom.

"Psssst, James," he heard Sirius mutter from the other side of the tapestry. James walked over and pulled it back just enough to see his best friend's face. "Could you cast one of your marvelous sound-proof charm things over this place?"

James rolled his eyes, but pulled out his wand.

The mistake in this situation was turning his back to the main hallway. Snape came up behind him and pulled the tapestry back. The sight he saw was something not even James needed to see.

Remus was leaning against the wall, sitting on the steps. He was shirtless and sweaty, and his pants and boxers were down around his knees. Sirius's shirt was unbuttoned and his hair was truly a mess. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on here.

It was at this moment that several things happened at once.

"FAGS IN THE STAIRWELL!!!!" shouted Snape at the top of his lungs. There were no other students in this particular hall, but the brat's voice bounced off the granite and would echo around the whole floor.

Remus scrambled to his feet and hastily attempted to pull up his pants. Sirius's wand was pointed at Snape before the boy had even finished his sentence, and Snape whipped his wand out immediately.

Lily came running down the staircase, wand drawn, and in her haste, missed a step and tumbled into Remus, landing them both on the floor in a rather awkward position. Thankfully, Remus had managed to put away his cock before this incident.

James and Sirius both started to say their own spells, but Lily quickly cast a silencio on the both of them before they could do serious damage. Snape bolted up the hallway, but Lily was clever. "Obliviate!" The beam of light streaked down the hallway and grazed Snape's shoulder. She yanked James into the stairwell and very quietly peered out from behind the tapestry. Snape slowed down and looked around with an expression of confusion. He shrugged his shoulders and continued walking up the hallway.

"Lardmonkeys. That won't hold for more than a few hours." Lily pressed her forehead against the cool wall of the stairwell and closed her eyes, analyzing their options.

"Uh, Lily? I think James and Sirius would like you to lift the silence charm…" Remus whispered quietly. Lily turned around. James and Sirius were frantically waving their arms and looking really pissed. Remus was sitting on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest, quietly crying.

Lily looked at him sadly, biting her tongue. She waved her wand and muttered a spell at Sirius and James, and they immediately started spouting off their thoughts on how the situation had been handled.

"I coulda had him Lil!"

"I swear I'll kill that bastard…"

"You worry too much."

They kept going, but Lily was ignoring them. She sat down beside Remus and put her arm around his shoulders. The boy leaned over and rested his head on her shoulder. "Everyone's gonna know…" he whimpered softly.

"No they won't Remus. He forgot what he saw…at least for a few hours. I'll try to find him before it wears off and properly erase his memory…don't worry dear…"

James and Sirius had finally shut up. Sirius sat on the other side of Remus and pulled him close. "Don't worry babe. We're gonna take care of him." He looked at James with determination, and James nodded.

"Yeah mate. He won't say a word about this."

Lily look between the two of them and rolled their eyes. "I swear if you guys start banging your chests, I'll silence you and tie you up for good measure." That made Remus giggle just a little. Lily smiled. "Just don't do anything stupid. In fact, you should probably just let me handle it. I don't know if you boys know how to not be stupid."

"Relax Lilz." James grinned at her and offered her his hand. She took it and he pulled her up off the floor. Sirius did the same for Remus. "How about we all just get back to the common room and relax?" Remus and Lily nodded. Sirius still looked like he was out for blood, but he wasn't about to upset Remus. Not right now.

They walked back to the common room, and were shocked to find a small party going on. A few of the guys had borrowed James' invisibility cloak earlier to sneak down to Hogsmeade and bring up a cardboard box full of firewhiskey.

Of course, boys will be boys. James and Sirius helped themselves to the guys' spoils. Remus and Lily rolled their eyes and curled up on one of the couches, talking about how stupid their boys could be.

As the night went on, James and Sirius broke into a beautiful drunken duet. Their chosen song? "If You Were Gay," by that lovely muggle band Avenue Q. By the end of it, the whole common room was doubled over in laughter with tears rolling down their face.

Not long after, Lily and Sirius, along with just about everyone else, had fallen asleep. James looked at a sleeping Remus, whose cheeks were still stained with tears. He gripped his wand, thinking he was sober enough to cast proper spells. Lily had said she would find Snape later, but there was no point in waking her now. James slipped on his invisibility cloak and silently tiptoed out the door.

Fast forward to present time.

James was pacing back and forth on the Seventh floor, near that statue of Barnabus the Barmy. He knew that Snape prowled around here most nights, and figured he would look here before breaking into the Slytherin Common Room.

He stopped in his tracks when a large pink door appeared in the wall beside him.

That hadn't been there before…had it? Maybe it was the alcohol… He rubbed his eyes and opened them again. Nope. Not the alcohol. The door was still there. James temporarily forgot his task and took a few steps to the door. Upon closer examination, he found it had been adorned with Venusta skin… "But those are extinct…" James muttered quietly. He was speaking of the dragon with glittery pink skin. They had died out an eternity ago, because they just couldn't hide in their environment. As humans began to fear the dragons, they began killing them. The Venustas were the first to go.

He put his hand on the doorknob and twisted, pushing the door open slowly.

What he saw was something completely unexpected.


End file.
